What is anxiety and depression

Here are a few bits of information on anxiety and depression.  Sometimes family and friends dont fully understand it and thats okay.  So lets educate them on some of the things we deal with on a daily basis so they can understand us a little better.

Please leave comments with additional information that you have or like.

He had to leave again...

I knew that his stay wouldnt last long so we took totally advantage of him being here.  He helped unpack boxes that I just hadnt gotten to with the recent move.  He helped with the kids like he always does and most of all he took care of me and made sure I was doing the things I needed to do to get me in  a healthier state.

I was truly blessed with him as a husband and father for our kids.  But then he had to go back to deployment.  I struggled a little at 1st but had started counseling once a week with an amazing therapist so I was feeling confident that things were going in the right direction.  I was finding little ways each day for personal reflection and encouragement.  I made myself get out more and most importantly I was taking my medication as directed.

Therapy was helping and Tim was helping me learning about my thoughts and feelings in a deeper way rather than just knowing I feel this way but finding out why and what triggers these emotions.  I learned how to validate my thoughts and feelings and realize that some are silly and some are legit.

At this point the medication was working.  I was finally sleeping well every night with the sleep medication that I was prescribed.  This helped me during the day to stay alert and attentive more than I had in the past.  Tim was giving me information to ponder inbetween counseling sessions and even a little homework that I was eager to learn more about.

I have found that learning about anxiety and depression and how it affects people has helped me better understand myself and feel a lot less crazy.  Lets face it, all these feelings have made me wonder at times if I have been losing my mind.  Its nice to know that I am not in this alone and Im not crazy.  Thank goodness for a loving therapist who truly cares about his patients.

The Hospital

I got to the hospital FINALLY after lots of forms and questions later.  They gave me meds to help me sleep and a nice snack since I missed dinner.  The staff was amazing and so incredibly nice.  I started off in a room by myself.  That night I slept like a champ.  A combination of sleeping medication and knowing that my kids were in the best hands possible helped me be able to focus on me which is something I havent done in a very long time.

I woke up the next morning with a roommate.  I wasnt quite sure how to take her so I kept my distance and had minimal interaction with her at first.  I attended Yoga classes and group therapy as well as individual therapy.  I figured if I was going to be there I needed to utilize the resources that were available to me.  I ended up finding that most of the people in there were just like me.  Normal family people who have to suffer from anxiety and depression as well.  I learned so much from those around me and made some great friends (which is not what I was thinking I would do).  I learned to love Yoga and see the benefits in it.  I fell in love with group therapy to see how others feel and how they cope.  My stay was well worth it.   My medication was changed and regulated, I was actually eating normal meals again, and I was taking time for myself to learn and grow from books, therapy, and those around me.  We played card games and watched tv.  We did group classes and just hung out.  I was in there with a great group of people who helped me heal and grow and learn in so many ways.  My experience was so positive and I am so grateful for that.

Then came discharge.  I was so ready to get back to my babies and my husband who was deployed was home for emergency leave so I would be able to hang with him for a few days to readjust.  This was going to be a blast.  Or so I thought.

The return home was great.  The kids were happy to see me.  They told me about their adventures with Miss Sarah and how happy they were that daddy came for a visit.  DH and I got to spend time together and talk and work things out of how we wanted to work this situation with our family.  Getting better was our number one priority and my DH was totally supportive and loving the entire time.  What a gem I scored right!

The Panic Attack

I was on skype with DH when the uncontrollable breathing and crying set in.  So bad I laid on the couch in the fetal position feeling completely out of control and scared.  I tried to focus on breathing like I was in labor or something.  My fingers and toes went numb and my head felt fuzzy.  I was sweating so bad yet felt chilled.  My chest kept getting tighter and tighter until was so scared of what was happening that I dialed 911 for help.

I was so vulnerable at this moment as asking for help is not in my nature.  I like to care for those around me not have them care for me.  EMS came and was talking to me although it all sounded like we were in a tunnel.  They were asking a million questions and touching me checking for any other issues that may be going on.  One of the EMS guys was ex-military and had been deployed before so seeing me on skype with DH he asked if he could talk with my husband.  I said yes and he left the room with the computer.

On the way to the hospital for further assessment the EMS guys were great and we were able to finally get my breathing down to a healthier state.  They started an IV to give me fluids as I hadnt eaten in days (I actually couldnt tell them how long it had been).

Once at the hospital there were a million more questions and I got some medication to calm me down so that we could figure out what was going on with me and why this was happening.  I didnt have a history of panic attacks.  I did however have a history of depression and anxiety.  I had been on effexor for almost 2 years at that point.

Now came the time to decided to be admitted to the hospital or go home and try and figure out my next steps.  My thoughts were to go home and figure it out. My best friend who was with me in the hospital, well she had better plans and insisted that I go to the hospital and that she would take care of my kiddso so that I could get the help that I needed.  Instead of being mad at her, I was so incredibly grateful that she loves me enough to make such a hard decision not knowing if I would hate her for it or not but she just wanted the best for me.  And it was the best decision.

The beginning of finding myself...

My family and I had made the decision to move.  DH was getting ready to deploy and our duty station was less than desirable so we decided to uproot the family and move clear across the country and buy a home.  We knew that after this deployment that it would be the end of our Active Duty Military days, which we were more than thrilled about.

The kids and I packed our things and left one very cold, rainy morning the end of January.  Noah was a huge help with the girls along the trip and the girls did great.  We also had our dog and cat in tow with us.  Our 1st stop would be in Virginia to see family before we started out west.  My dad was gracious enough to join us from there and lead us on to the final destination in Utah.

The days were long with tons of driving, short bathroom trips, and lot of eating in the car.  Everyone was doing really well but internally I was scared, sad, happy, tired, and anxious all at the same time.  Deciphering my feelings or validating them was not something I could handle.  I took each day one by one hoping the next would be better than the one before.

At one of our stops we lost the cat.  We searched the hotel room, outside by the car, the lobby.  We talked to the front desk and had several workers helping us to locate our cat.  Prayers were said and finally the cat was located and we were able to continue on our trip.  At another stop our dog got loose and almost hit by a car.  The events kept coming but overall the trip was a success.  We made it to Utah.

We stayed at my youngest brother Josh's house for almost 2 months before our home would be ready.  In that time my anxiety and depression was in full force.  I found myself crying everyday.  Feeling like a horrible mother.  I had no control over any situation and was angry all the time.  I hated myself for feeling this way but no matter what I tried I couldnt shake this awful feeling and felt like it only got worse day by day.

I tried to justify my feelings saying, I just moved across the country without my husband.  I did it with all my kids and 2 pets.  I moved to a new state and city to a place where my house wasnt done and kept getting pushed back.  I had been living out of suitcases for what seemed like forever.  I just wanted my things.  My own place.  My husband back.  But most of all I wanted to know what it felt like to be happy again.

Did I know what happy was?  Why did I not see the many blessings all around me?  Why was my world so dark and lonely when I have so many supporters and people who love me?  Ugghhh would this feeling ever end?  I hated myself.  I felt worthless and like my family deserved so much more than I was able to give them.

Finally we moved into our home.  This would be the beginning I was waiting for and the moment where things would change for me emotionally.  Well, thats what I told myself.  I found things getting worse.  Now I was not unpacking enough, or not showing my kids enough attention.  I found myself resentful that I was having to unpack all alone but knew if DH could be there to help he would have been.  Once again those feelings of inadequacy kept creeping up in my mind.  My heart hurt so bad for my kids.  Their mother was always on edge.  Always in tears.  Always yelling.  I just couldnt take it anymore.

After a week of the absolute worse, I had been crying, begging, praying, pleading for some help to make me see the beauty around me and the blessings of everything I had but yet all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep.  How could I do that with 3 kids, a new house, and watching my nephews 5 days a week?  There was only one place to turn from here.

I talked to Chris about finding a dr to help me through this.  I needed medication that I knew and I needed someone to talk to who could guide me in the right direction.  I called over 20 places.  Almost everyone was booked out at least 6 months but I needed someone now.  I needed someone to listen to me to validate my thoughts and feelings and someone who could help me get out of this horrible hell I was living inside my heart and my head.  I was on skype with DH when making these calls and nobody was helping and it seemed like nobody cared.  And then it happened. I had my 1st horrible uncontrollable panic attack that scared me so bad that I called 911 for help.