The beginning of finding myself...

My family and I had made the decision to move.  DH was getting ready to deploy and our duty station was less than desirable so we decided to uproot the family and move clear across the country and buy a home.  We knew that after this deployment that it would be the end of our Active Duty Military days, which we were more than thrilled about.

The kids and I packed our things and left one very cold, rainy morning the end of January.  Noah was a huge help with the girls along the trip and the girls did great.  We also had our dog and cat in tow with us.  Our 1st stop would be in Virginia to see family before we started out west.  My dad was gracious enough to join us from there and lead us on to the final destination in Utah.

The days were long with tons of driving, short bathroom trips, and lot of eating in the car.  Everyone was doing really well but internally I was scared, sad, happy, tired, and anxious all at the same time.  Deciphering my feelings or validating them was not something I could handle.  I took each day one by one hoping the next would be better than the one before.

At one of our stops we lost the cat.  We searched the hotel room, outside by the car, the lobby.  We talked to the front desk and had several workers helping us to locate our cat.  Prayers were said and finally the cat was located and we were able to continue on our trip.  At another stop our dog got loose and almost hit by a car.  The events kept coming but overall the trip was a success.  We made it to Utah.

We stayed at my youngest brother Josh's house for almost 2 months before our home would be ready.  In that time my anxiety and depression was in full force.  I found myself crying everyday.  Feeling like a horrible mother.  I had no control over any situation and was angry all the time.  I hated myself for feeling this way but no matter what I tried I couldnt shake this awful feeling and felt like it only got worse day by day.

I tried to justify my feelings saying, I just moved across the country without my husband.  I did it with all my kids and 2 pets.  I moved to a new state and city to a place where my house wasnt done and kept getting pushed back.  I had been living out of suitcases for what seemed like forever.  I just wanted my things.  My own place.  My husband back.  But most of all I wanted to know what it felt like to be happy again.

Did I know what happy was?  Why did I not see the many blessings all around me?  Why was my world so dark and lonely when I have so many supporters and people who love me?  Ugghhh would this feeling ever end?  I hated myself.  I felt worthless and like my family deserved so much more than I was able to give them.

Finally we moved into our home.  This would be the beginning I was waiting for and the moment where things would change for me emotionally.  Well, thats what I told myself.  I found things getting worse.  Now I was not unpacking enough, or not showing my kids enough attention.  I found myself resentful that I was having to unpack all alone but knew if DH could be there to help he would have been.  Once again those feelings of inadequacy kept creeping up in my mind.  My heart hurt so bad for my kids.  Their mother was always on edge.  Always in tears.  Always yelling.  I just couldnt take it anymore.

After a week of the absolute worse, I had been crying, begging, praying, pleading for some help to make me see the beauty around me and the blessings of everything I had but yet all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep.  How could I do that with 3 kids, a new house, and watching my nephews 5 days a week?  There was only one place to turn from here.

I talked to Chris about finding a dr to help me through this.  I needed medication that I knew and I needed someone to talk to who could guide me in the right direction.  I called over 20 places.  Almost everyone was booked out at least 6 months but I needed someone now.  I needed someone to listen to me to validate my thoughts and feelings and someone who could help me get out of this horrible hell I was living inside my heart and my head.  I was on skype with DH when making these calls and nobody was helping and it seemed like nobody cared.  And then it happened. I had my 1st horrible uncontrollable panic attack that scared me so bad that I called 911 for help.